I love this line of inquiry and your approach. I want to add that mothers working from home complicates the equation of “mom at home = mom doesn’t work.
I worked office jobs for most of my career, but in between kid 1 and kid 2 began a work from home consulting job. Since the pandemic, my husband works from home too, but it seems to me that my kids (2 boys) see us totally differently, as though dad works, mom doesn’t. Or that mom’s job isn’t important. The boys barely react when their dad leaves to work from his home office and they never interrupt him. When I go to my home office, they have meltdowns and barge in all the time.
When my oldest was 3, his teachers asked what his parents did. He said “dad works for [company], mom hangs out with me.”
I have no idea whether I’ll work from home for the rest of my professional life, but I think the “moms who from home” dynamic is interesting to explore, precisely because we’d don’t know how the next generation will process it or how it will affect their choices. Or really, how it affects our choices and our self-perception as mothers.
I do not know mothering without labor. My mother immigrated to the U.S. without her mother and siblings around the age of 13/14 and worked. She came her in the 1960s from a predominantly Black country to Westchester (NY) in the 1960s. It was not diverse. She worked her entire life until she retired, from 14 to 63. Whether it was babysitting, working in an antique shop, as a nursery school teacher, and eventually a registered nurse, she worked. She gave birth to a child at 16, went to college and nursing school, had another child and got married. But she always worked (excluding maternity breaks. She even worked two jobs when I was in elementary school.)
I do remember being very excited when she was off when I was off and it wasn't a weekend. It felt like an adventure. I remember going with her to her aerobics class and running errands on the days she had off. I remember her coming home from the hospital late at night and taking me to the 24 hr supermarket to get groceries just to spend time together. Even as I got older I was always with her: dropping something off at a friend's home, visiting an elderly person from church, going to the hairdresser with her, going to Macy's when she got paid, etc. Back then we didn't have the internet and my dad wasn't going to let me watch TV all evening, so I chose to tag along with her well into my teenage years. I just wanted to spend time with her.
But unlike most of us my mother also had extended biological family in the same town to care for me. The school bus would pick me up from my maternal grandmother who lived in an apartment around the corner from ours. A few years later I would stay at my paternal grandmother's house after school and my great grandmother would teach me to sew and make farina. My dad was always there at 4:30. My school had early dismissal on Fridays and he would pick me up and drive me to my grandmother during his lunch break. My mother did the same when I was in middle school. She would take lunch at 2:45 so she could pick me up, drive me home and go back to work! She was home by 5:30 and dinner was ready by 6. ALWAYS.
She job never more than 20 minutes away by car, by contrast it takes me 45 minutes to commute home from midtown. I am RARELY home before 6 pm and my husband cooks dinner most nights. As much as I have complained about WFH (my son turned 3 right before NYC locked down) I am really grateful we had a chance to spend so much time together. He went from going to nursery 5 days a week to school closing to me sending him only 3 days a week. Even now with him back every day I still make sure I can do pickups and dropoffs twice a week because my office has a hybrid schedule.
I cannot imagine not working. (I am working right now after midnight on a Friday because from 3-9 pm I was with my son.) I had my first job at 17 and many different part time jobs during college. I worked full time, while attending graduate school. M my relationship with labor and money is extremely complicated because of my mother's choices, her mother's choices, and so forth. Both of my grandmothers worked and had 5 children each with men who were not the best husbands. I think that has informed how my mother manages her finances, which she in turn passed on to me. Generations of Black women labored for free without freedom. The idea of not having my own income frightens me. So I dream of ways I can earn more without taking time away from my child and without feeling burdened.
I love this exploration and the ways of thinking about how our upbringing informs our choices. I fit into 1.1–my mom was a landlord of two duplexes but primarily home with my brother and me. Before I was born, she was a travel agent. I remember her at all my field trips, volunteering in my classroom, being present after school, and planning big family trips. I’ve talked to her about her choices, and she generally looks back on her role positively. I think because of how I grew up it was hard to imagine not having the chance to be largely present with my kids. At the same time, I definitely had fears of allowing that role to feel like my only identity.
Having a career I really care about (child psychologist) and embracing my role as a mom hasn’t always been easy but has felt worth it. I feel really fortunate that I have been able to work two days a week and reserve a lot of emotional and practical energy for my two kiddos. And that’s only possible because of the privileges you have talked about as well. I guess that would put me in a new category as a mom who worked part-time and felt it was good for her. :) So curious to hear from others about their paths! ❤️
I love this line of inquiry and your approach. I want to add that mothers working from home complicates the equation of “mom at home = mom doesn’t work.
I worked office jobs for most of my career, but in between kid 1 and kid 2 began a work from home consulting job. Since the pandemic, my husband works from home too, but it seems to me that my kids (2 boys) see us totally differently, as though dad works, mom doesn’t. Or that mom’s job isn’t important. The boys barely react when their dad leaves to work from his home office and they never interrupt him. When I go to my home office, they have meltdowns and barge in all the time.
When my oldest was 3, his teachers asked what his parents did. He said “dad works for [company], mom hangs out with me.”
I have no idea whether I’ll work from home for the rest of my professional life, but I think the “moms who from home” dynamic is interesting to explore, precisely because we’d don’t know how the next generation will process it or how it will affect their choices. Or really, how it affects our choices and our self-perception as mothers.
I do not know mothering without labor. My mother immigrated to the U.S. without her mother and siblings around the age of 13/14 and worked. She came her in the 1960s from a predominantly Black country to Westchester (NY) in the 1960s. It was not diverse. She worked her entire life until she retired, from 14 to 63. Whether it was babysitting, working in an antique shop, as a nursery school teacher, and eventually a registered nurse, she worked. She gave birth to a child at 16, went to college and nursing school, had another child and got married. But she always worked (excluding maternity breaks. She even worked two jobs when I was in elementary school.)
I do remember being very excited when she was off when I was off and it wasn't a weekend. It felt like an adventure. I remember going with her to her aerobics class and running errands on the days she had off. I remember her coming home from the hospital late at night and taking me to the 24 hr supermarket to get groceries just to spend time together. Even as I got older I was always with her: dropping something off at a friend's home, visiting an elderly person from church, going to the hairdresser with her, going to Macy's when she got paid, etc. Back then we didn't have the internet and my dad wasn't going to let me watch TV all evening, so I chose to tag along with her well into my teenage years. I just wanted to spend time with her.
But unlike most of us my mother also had extended biological family in the same town to care for me. The school bus would pick me up from my maternal grandmother who lived in an apartment around the corner from ours. A few years later I would stay at my paternal grandmother's house after school and my great grandmother would teach me to sew and make farina. My dad was always there at 4:30. My school had early dismissal on Fridays and he would pick me up and drive me to my grandmother during his lunch break. My mother did the same when I was in middle school. She would take lunch at 2:45 so she could pick me up, drive me home and go back to work! She was home by 5:30 and dinner was ready by 6. ALWAYS.
She job never more than 20 minutes away by car, by contrast it takes me 45 minutes to commute home from midtown. I am RARELY home before 6 pm and my husband cooks dinner most nights. As much as I have complained about WFH (my son turned 3 right before NYC locked down) I am really grateful we had a chance to spend so much time together. He went from going to nursery 5 days a week to school closing to me sending him only 3 days a week. Even now with him back every day I still make sure I can do pickups and dropoffs twice a week because my office has a hybrid schedule.
I cannot imagine not working. (I am working right now after midnight on a Friday because from 3-9 pm I was with my son.) I had my first job at 17 and many different part time jobs during college. I worked full time, while attending graduate school. M my relationship with labor and money is extremely complicated because of my mother's choices, her mother's choices, and so forth. Both of my grandmothers worked and had 5 children each with men who were not the best husbands. I think that has informed how my mother manages her finances, which she in turn passed on to me. Generations of Black women labored for free without freedom. The idea of not having my own income frightens me. So I dream of ways I can earn more without taking time away from my child and without feeling burdened.
Hi Sy - I’m really enjoying your articles. They’re really excellent! Thank you and hope you and the family are well!
I love this exploration and the ways of thinking about how our upbringing informs our choices. I fit into 1.1–my mom was a landlord of two duplexes but primarily home with my brother and me. Before I was born, she was a travel agent. I remember her at all my field trips, volunteering in my classroom, being present after school, and planning big family trips. I’ve talked to her about her choices, and she generally looks back on her role positively. I think because of how I grew up it was hard to imagine not having the chance to be largely present with my kids. At the same time, I definitely had fears of allowing that role to feel like my only identity.
Having a career I really care about (child psychologist) and embracing my role as a mom hasn’t always been easy but has felt worth it. I feel really fortunate that I have been able to work two days a week and reserve a lot of emotional and practical energy for my two kiddos. And that’s only possible because of the privileges you have talked about as well. I guess that would put me in a new category as a mom who worked part-time and felt it was good for her. :) So curious to hear from others about their paths! ❤️